When you’re expecting a baby it’s normal to have certain expectations of pregnancy, birth and beyond based on what you’ve read, anecdotes you’ve heard and from seeing friends and relatives having babies around you.
You’ll likely do an antenatal class to learn all about birth and the first moments – but what about after that?
Despite all my reading, attending classes and listening to friends and family who’d had babies there were still some things that took me by surprise after I had my first child.
From post-birth contractions to hair loss to the massive impact having a baby had on my relationship here’s what I didn’t know.
You might not bond with your baby right away, and that’s okay
Some brand new mothers talk of a rush of unconditional love the moment they lay eyes on their baby but what’s not talked about as much is that it can sometimes take a bit longer to feel bonded with your baby. Birth is hard on your body and you don’t really have a chance to recover because you go straight into sleepless nights and 2 hourly feeds. If it takes a few days, weeks or months for you to bond with your baby that’s absolutely okay and is completely normal too.
You might grieve for your old life, which doesn’t make you a bad mother
When you have a baby your whole life as you know it changes forever. It’s a huge change that happens seemingly overnight so understandably can take some adjustment. You might miss having the freedom to put yourself first and go out whenever you feel like it without giving it much thought. Babies understandably change things and it takes some getting used to. You just need to find your new normal, and you will.
You may still look pregnant for a while
It will take a while for your uterus to shrink back to it’s pre-pregnancy size. You’ll also experience cramping, which can feel similar to period pain or like contractions and can be brought on by breastfeeding. Postpartum cramping is usually mild (some women don’t feel it at all) after your first birth and becomes more severe the more babies you have. It’s usually most intense for the first couple of days after giving birth.
Some of your hair might fall out
I had no idea some of my hair would fall out after I had given birth! The average person loses about 100 hairs a day, but not all at once so it’s not very noticeable. When you’re pregnant your body produces more oestrogen and progesterone which prevents hair from falling out. Once you’ve had your baby these hormone levels drop which can cause your hair to fall in clumps out around 3-6 months after having your baby. It’s completely normal and is nothing to worry about and your hair should return to its pre-pregnancy state within about 12 months of having your baby.
The impact on your relationship
I feel like I could write a whole separate blog about this one! In the very beginning when my first baby was born it felt like we were in a wonderful little baby bubble and life felt pretty great. Then, my partner returned to work, I was doing the lion’s share of the baby-rearing including all the night feeds and things started to feel less than idyllic. Actually they felt really hard. And I started to feel resentful of how seemingly his life hadn’t changed and mine had been turned upside down.
He got to go to work all day and talk to adults while I was left at home with my leaking boobs, 2 hour sleep stretches and every item of clothing I owned covered in baby sick. I wouldn’t have changed things for the world as I adored my baby and felt lucky to be able to have maternity leave to spend that time with her but the division of responsibility when it came to the baby that we made together felt unfair at times. And that impacted our relationship. It took a while but together we found our new normal and as babies get older their needs change and it does become more balanced.
Dads and partners, if you’re reading this – make sure you look after your partner in those early days as it’s tough!
Breastfeeding is hard
I falsely believed that breastfeeding would feel natural and therefore be easy. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It took a lot of perseverance to get going properly and I was in a world of pain having ductal thrush, which took weeks of excruciating feeds to be properly diagnosed and treated.
My advice to someone who is pregnant now and is hoping to breastfeed is to get the support in place before you baby arrives so that you have a lactation consultant you can contact if you need help. Have the phone numbers of people who can help and support you at the ready so when you’re baby arrives you will know who to go to for help if you are struggling. It’s completely normal to find it hard and to need support – it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
And if you’re not able to breastfeed or if you choose not to that’s okay. Remember, informed is best. Your body, your baby, your choice.
Some babies don’t sleep until they’re over 2 years old
For some reason I thought baby sleep was linear and they just slept more and more the older they got. It turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong! It is up and down for the first few months and sometimes years. They will go through phases when they sleep and they will go through phases when they will wake frequently and may struggle to get back to sleep without a lot of support from you.
You might get lucky and get a baby that sleeps lots or you might be like me and be up in the wee hours of the morning googling if it’s possible to die from sleep deprivation. Either way, you will survive and I promise you will sleep again. But sometimes it’ll feel like you won’t which is tough. On those days, take it easy, concentrate on yourself and your baby and accept help if it’s available.
Everything is a phase
The sleep deprivation, the sore nipples, the hair loss – it will all end. So too will those amazing newborn baby cuddles, the way your baby smiles at you when you’re feeding them and it being totally okay to spend all day every day in your pjs!
The ‘enjoy every moment’ narrative isn’t very helpful especially if, like I did, you are finding it hard to adjust to life with a newborn baby. But during those tough phases remember it’s a phase and it will end, maybe tomorrow, maybe not for a few months. But you will get through it. And, although it’s such a cliché, when you are enjoying those moments with your baby cherish them when you can, as they too will be a distant memory one day.