We parents all lose our cool at some point. Parenting is hard, sometimes it feels like our children are wired to push our buttons. When our cups aren’t as full as we’d like them to be of course there are going to be times when we behave in a way we’d prefer not to. We’ve all been there; reached boiling point and snapped or shouted and instantly felt that awful guilt when our children look at us in fear or shame.
So what should we do next?
On this week’s blog we’re looking at how to repair these moments – using just two words – with your child and help you both recover and move on from them.
Firstly, let’s look at why we lost it with our child. Was it genuinely something terrible they did or are were you feeling stressed or anxious about something else; maybe you haven’t had enough sleep; you might be hungry as you’ve not had time to eat a decent meal; you’re running late; there are a million things around the house that need doing and you’re the only one who’s going to do them.
Does this sound familiar?
We can be the most loving, gentle parents in the world but nowadays there is so much the modern mother has to do and often without any or very little help, it is so hard. It would be strange if you didn’t lose your cool once in a while when you have all that to deal with!
So what should we do if we lose it with our child?
Acknowledgement
Once you have taken a moment to calm down acknowledge that you have made a mistake. Take responsibility for your actions and tell them that it’s not okay to behave that way.
Apologise
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ to your child (and meaning it) helps to model how to apologise and shows them that it’s okay to mistakes and that even grown ups make them too. Be careful not to use phrases such as ‘I’m sorry I shouted but if you had just put your shoes on when I’d asked…’. That’s not an apology, that’s holding them responsible for your behaviour. A sincere apology should only acknowledge your bad behaviour, not theirs.
Reconnect
Reconnect with your child. Give them a long hug, tell them you loved them and make them feel safe. It’s best not to discuss the incident immediately afterwards, it’s much more important to make sure your child knows you are sorry and that they are loved and safe. This reconnection will help you to feel better too.
What next?
If your child has behaved in a way that you don’t want them to in future which resulted in your losing your cool you’re going to want to discuss the behaviour with them to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s best to wait until the next day and until everyone is calm and in a good place before you discuss it. At that point you could then explain for example that they need to get their shoes on more quickly in the morning so that you can make sure you aren’t running late for school.
In her TED talk Dr Becky Kennedy explains that “the yelling, that isn’t the element that impacts kids as much as what we do next”.
So uttering the words ‘I’m sorry’ and taking time to repair with your child is going to continue building that connection with them in a world where it’s impossible to be the perfect parent all the time.